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Batsmen need culling

The G had grass on the wicket, so there was a different kind of one day game played last night.

You may remember this kind, where bowlers enjoy themselves.

The Indian bowlers enjoyed themselves immensely and the Aussies ended up 150 odd.

The Aussie bowlers were frothing at the mouth to get to the wicket, but when they got there they were too anxious, you know what I’m talking about ladies.

Most people don’t like one dayers when the bowlers dictate.

But most people are idiots.

My perfect one day game would be one team making 184, and the other making 183 and Inzy getting run out.

Perhaps I remember them fondly from my youth, or perhaps, I’m a cricket sadist.

Batsmen get it all too easy these days, how else could you explain Sourav Ganguly and Graeme Smith.

Flat decks, ropes in the outfield, hard replacement balls, and 20 over field restrictions are making batsmen look good.

Who wants to see batsmen look good all the time.

I want to see them bleed, I want them to count their bruises at the end of a match, I want them to be stumped by 4 meters and then fall over in a final act of indecency.

I want them to be publicly pantsed.

I want them to be so angry they hit the dude who opens the gate for them.

I want a batsman to go insane with rage and start a battle to the death with the bowler who has just got him out.

I want wickets with more life in them than a Mormon.

I want wickets who practice adultery, go to swingers parties, engage in public fornication and enjoy all the pleasures of anal $ex.

I want Shaun Tait to come back and literally rip the throat out of some poor helpless English opening batsmen with a ball on a good length.

I want Murali to spin the ball so far he has to land them off the cut strip.

I want a ban on elbow guards, inner thigh pads, chest guards and any other nancy boy protection.

I want Tony Greig to be publicly executed for bring “crash helmets” into cricket.

I want tail enders to think about how much they love their family before they get in behind a Dale Steyn delivery.

I want batsmen to get hot on the first morning of a match, and to get bamboozled by spin of the last afternoon.

I want blood, carnage and wickets.

I want to know a batsmen can bat, not just watch him flay away bowlers on wickets flatter than an 8 year olds chest.

I want pain, lots and lots of pain for batsmen, mental, physical and otherwise.

I want bowlers to rule again.

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