As he comes running from 20 paces or more, all he asks for is a bit of swing and seam. Instead he gets sweltering heat, pain in the legs, slow pitches that offer less bounce than David Hasselhoff’s pecs in Baywatch and smashed to all parts of and outside the cricket ground. The cruelty meted out to fast bowlers bowling in India is second only to listening to 6 hours of Ravi Shastri belting out one cliché after the other.
For all the beating they take, it is only fair they be given immunity in case of murdering a few batsmen while they’re asleep with a recording of Misbah-ul-Haq and Shivnarine Chanderpaul facing Virat Kohli and Sohail Tanveer.
While it takes special skills to be a successful fast bowler in India, here are a few tips that could help them suck less.
10 tips to become a sucklessful bowler:
1) Fall ill
Getting injured before a match in the sub-continent depending on the amount of grass on the pitch and overhead conditions is one way. The illness is called ‘barren-pitch infertilitis.’
2) Bowl spin
Instead of running in from a million miles and getting hit for a million runs, it is much simpler and more rewarding to be hit after ambling in from 5 steps. While off spin is the easier option, leg spin in itself is an excuse for a couple of short balls.
3) Just don't bowl
4) Don’t bowl on the pitch
The best way to look good as a fast bowler is by bowling yorkers. If the requisite practice is not something you wish to do, feel free to resort to low full tosses. You can also bowl high full tosses and pray to Sachin that the batsman splices the ball, thereby allowing the umpire to go upstairs and check for waist high as well as front foot no balls, because a dot ball isn’t special enough to be called a no ball.
5) Do the Afridi dance
Before every ODI series in the SC, announce retirement. After the final match, have a change of heart, and express resentment for a hasty decision and concern as to what life without cricket would be. Take to social media, cry about the respective cricket board forcing you to retire and make a comeback.
6) No really, don’t bowl
7) Dismiss Sachin Tendulkar in the nets
This is the most effective and widely recognized course, affiliated with the University of Cricket which helps fast bowlers become sucklessful in the SC. Getting Sachin Tendulkar out elicits immediate fame. Unfortunately, this course titled ‘Haila, bowled’ is soon to be scrapped.
8) Seriously, don’t bowl
9) Actually die
Rather than metaphorically being killed by batsmen, actually die. Though a harsh step it still is a handy way to suck less as a fast bowler in the SC.
10) For God's sake, don’t bowl