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Faking News Vol. II


1. Malinga’s nightmares

After the brutal battering at the hands of young Indian master blaster Virat Kohli, Sri Lankan pacemanLasithMalinga was pleasantly surprised of having no after affects whatsoever after the match. However that did not last long. On three consecutive nights after losing to Australia in the CB series final, Malinga suffered from terrible nightmares of Kohli hitting him for boundaries all over the place and his inability to bowl even a single toe crushing Yorker to stop the onslaught. Thus on the fourth day he thought enough is enough and decided to consult a psychiatrist.
Slinga: Hey doc. What is happening to me? I desperately want to get rid of these nightmares. Earlier I used to be able to bowl Yorkers even in my sleep and now in these nightmares I am rendered helpless. Please help me!
Doctor: Carrying the burden and wicket taking responsibility of an attack consisting of ever changing and unknown faces on your broad and curly mane after the loss of Magic Murali was bound to take its toll eventually! In short, cut your hair short and I think you will feel the difference!
Malinga tried the suggestion but still there was no improvement. Immensely frustrated, we went back after a couple of days and complained.
Doctor: Hmmm this seems like a complex case. I cannot help you further and remember that you can’t afford it as well since you don’t have enough pocket money as your cricket board does not pay you salary. You need to take expert advice and tips from experienced professionals in your field. Please get in touch with Shane Warne taking tips of how he recollected himself after being tormented by Sachin in his dreams where he used to him for towering sixes coming down the ground or contact Stuart Broad asking him how is still taking wickets after the battering he received at the hands of Yuvraj, six sixes right, surely your 24 in an over is slightly better than that. He must have had a fortnight of nightmares at least!

After this meeting, Malinga took leave from the Asia Cup and has been missing since. Anyone has Shane Warne or Broad’s number?

2. Dilshan’s mid innings retirement

Sri Lankan ex-captain TillakaratneDilshan has decided to retire mid-way in any first innings knock against India the next time his scorereaches the vicinity of the 150 mark.  Expressing his frustration at being at the losing end even after scoring a magnificent century he said “Yes the rumours are true. I don’t want to be known as the Sri Lankan Brian Lara”.

3. South Africa’s choke fear

Even after comprehensively winning limited overs matches against New Zealand in their homeland the South African cricket board are in no mood to release the pressure on the ICC for their request to avoid the situation of playing a quarter final against New Zealand in the next world cup. Reiterating his point the chairman said “We have always been much better in all departments of the game than New Zealand. But New Zealand always reaches the semi-finals of World Cups. I know they provide a smooth gateway to the finals for fellow semi- finalists but we desperately want to avoid facing them in quarter-finals. Just look at how we won every match in the 2011 World Cup (except against the South African A side - England) and immediately after choking in the quarter finals we were considered to have a disastrous World Cup! Absolutely preposterous, isn’t it?”
4. Ravi Shastri’s complaint

After hearing rumours that the cricketing fraternity wasdeclaring that India won against Sri Lanka because of him being trapped in a lift for half an hour, a literally fuming Ravi Shastri remarked“It is disappointing! After all these years of service as a cricketer and an exciting commentator I get such treatment? So what if I repeat a cliché or two every match OR emotionally blackmail television channels to force them to allow me to commentate at crucial record breaking moments like Yuvraj’s six sixes and Dhoni winning world cup, do I still deserve such allegations? Oh, there goes a tracer bullet!” he reacted instinctively as he saw a bike speed past nearby leaving the media astonished, pitiful and bemused at the same time.

5. Template fixing
ICC has asked for investigation on the recently concluded match between India and Sri Lanka in the CB series doubting it was “template” fixed. Addressing a confused media, HaroonLorgat said “Template fixing is a new kind of fixing in which a match is found out to be almost similar in context to a past match and a common team being involved in both matches with reversal of fortunes. There are no points for guessing who the team is. Also considering the financial situation of the team these things are bound to happen! We are in correspondence with the board and are demanding that the salaries of the players are provided immediately!”

6. Bowling competition

In a batsman dominated sport it was a refreshing change to see a competition dedicated to bowlers being held at Bangalore, India in the MRF Sports Academy. The competition was held in different categories. Here are the winners of each category:
Best slower delivery (for Fast bowlers) –
Clint McKay with his extremely well-disguised slower ones and Dilhara Fernando with his split finger slower ball were the winners making fool out of the academy batsmen

Best faster delivery (for Slow bowlers) –
Anil Kumble and ShahidAfridi were clear winners against the likes of Paul Collingwood, Chris Harris and Munaf Patel

Best non-spinning spinner –
RavindraJadeja, Xavier Doherty and Roelof van de Merwe were the deserving winners
Best leg cutter –
Venkatesh Prasad was the winner and the sole competitor.

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