Friday, 03 June 2011 13:08
Contributed by Manik Choudhary
So what was the most annoying thing about this IPL? The IPL you say? Har har. Here is a legal notice from BCCI to explain yourself. In the meanwhile we will go on and burn effigies of the commentators. BCCI doesn’t care about them.
This is not a personal attack on the commentators who are all model professionals but an astute observation of the unending crap that emanates from the commentary box. Standing the commentators was by far the biggest challenge we faced while covering the IPL, KXIP’s performances and KTK’s jersey not included. While the cricketing world fights over UDRS, Snicko, Hot Spot and what not, according to the latest Human Rights reports IPL commentary now comes under the highest levels of human rights abuse. It is described as a device of mass torture capable of inflicting excruciating pain on millions of people at the same time. We managed to get exclusive access to this report and here are our findings.
If you asked Sidhu if he wears women’s underwear he would say, “My friend the proof is in the pudding! Statistics are like bikinis they hide more than what they reveal. When you choose to live like a Tiger in a jungle, you just can't afford to be humble. You cannot make Omelets without breaking the eggs. It's not about the depth of the ocean, my friend, it's about the motion of the ocean! The greatest thrill for a woman is to see a woman fatter than her.”
In short, “Yes.”
If a picture speaks a thousand words then Sidhu is a f@#$%&g collage!
Shastri. The man single handedly responsible for 99.995% of the hits on Wikipedia’s page for “tracer bullet”. I am one of them. He is also on the most wanted list of the CIA (Cliché’s Intentional Abusers) and the FBI (Fundamentally Boring Individuals). If there is an opportunity to assault you with one cliché Shastri will use two for he believes in killing one bird with two stones. Also known for screaming in to the microphone at the toss and during the presentation ceremony.
SMG. Perhaps the greatest test batsman that India produced. The greatest captain? Never. Looks like it still rankles him and that’s why he lives a second life as Captain Obvious. If there is anything obvious to be stated, he will with aplomb. And if Sachin is batting then be prepared for an adjective laden verbal diarrhea. SMG’s stint in the commentary box while Sachin is batting is nothing more than a countdown to his next century, which inadvertently doesn’t happen.
Danny Morrison. One of the most hated commentators around. The best part is that most people don’t even know why they hate him. Is it his voice? Is it his face? Or is it the fact that he is a twat? Doesn’t matter, just hate him already! No originality, no opinion, no insight. He just bleats what everyone else just said. Definitely the most annoying sheep to come out of New Zealand.
Brad Hogg has had an unbelievable start to his commentating career. His rise through the ranks of the most hated commentators has been almost meteoric. Of course a major role was played by his attempted rendition of U2’s hit Elevation when someone hit a DLF Maximum. Just recalling that sends collective shivers down millions of the unfortunate souls that heard it. Brad Hogg has achieved with his commentary that he could never with his bowling – terrorizing Indians. Hogg adds about the same to your cricket watching experience as an advertisement, an unwarranted irritation that just won’t go away.
I don’t want to get started on L. Sivaramakrishnan, Arun Lal, Pommie and company as my keyboard will not be able to withstand the assault of my furious words. I don’t hate IPL. In between the DLF Maximums, Citi Moments of Success, Karbonn Kamal Catches, Maxx Mobile time outs and gazillions of ads they did manage to squeeze in some entertaining moments. But withstanding the commentary day after day was an unbelievable torture till I realized that one great man foresaw this crime against humanity years ago and developed a technology to protect our sanity. It’s called the mute button.
Last Updated on Friday, 13 July 2012 16:49