Buoyed by the success of his Pakistan side in winning the 3rd test at The Oval last week, we understand from a source within the Pakistan Cricket Board that Chairman Ijaz Butt is about to exclusively reveal the 13 commandments by which he carries out his role as the head of Pakistan cricket.

We understand from the source that these are Butt's 13 commandments:

1. Although there will be many captains, there is only one Chairman (or Dear Leader, which is the term I prefer).


2. When it comes to captains, coaches and selectors, remember three key mantras: undermine, undermine and undermine.


3. When the Pakistan team is on tour, remember three key mantras: interfere, interfere and interfere


4. When the team loses, remember it is everyone else's fault not yours: players, captain, coach and selectors. This calls for interference, changes, sackings, bans and fines.


5. When the team wins, remember it is all down to Ijaz Butt and no one else. If anyone dares to disagree, please see remedies stated in commandment 4 above.


6. When the team wins, make sure you are in the team photo that will appear online and in newspapers worldwide. Even better if you can stand menacingly at the back in a pair of dark glasses, with dagger drawn waiting to stab an unsuspecting player, captain or coach in the back. This is a picture of me with the team after we beat Australia at Headingley. I am fourth from left at the back with the sunglasses and clenched fist looking as inauspicious as possible.


7. Agreeing to stage a home test series in a country where your best bowler is banned from entering is an entirely rational decision. Who needs Mohammad Asif anyway?


8. Proclaiming that a captain is going to be replaced in the middle of a tour (as I did with Mohammad Yousuf in Australia) is a genius move. We may have lost the three ODIs that followed my pronouncement but we nearly won the Twenty 20 after that. 


9. Why ban and alienate one world-class batsman, if you can ban and alienate two?


10. Mohammad Yousuf is a "bad influence" and "should not be part of (the) national team in any format" "great player".


11. If in doubt blame Shoaib Akhtar Mohammad Yousuf Younis Khan.


12. If you have a player that pirouettes on a cricket pitch in the midst of a security scare, bites cricket balls, shows no responsibility whatsoever and has actually been retired from test cricket for four years, make him captain of the test side. Such a move is pure genius and cannot fail.


13. If all else fails, find someone with the same name as you and make them captain. Isn't young Salman doing well? He was always my first choice as skipper, don't you know?

About the writer:
David Green is the brain behind The Reverse Sweep, an irreverent and acerbic take on the wonderful world of Cricket. For similar musings on the game that God would play, please visit The Reverse Sweep blog

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