Things Ishant has to watch out for

Written by Jarrod Kimber

Tuesday, 25 March 2008

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I think Ishant Sharma is the most exciting young bowling prospect since Waqar Younis, assuming Waqar Younis was ever young.

But he is Indian, and a real fast bowler, so you would have to assume that somewhere along the line he will fade away or lose form.

Let’s look at the potential ways.

His adam’s apple is actually an alien, sent from the planet klaatu, and is intent on killing us all.

Some Bollywood producer (aka India mafia dude) gets him a gig on the Indian remake of irreversible starring Aishwarya Rai, but he takes his scene too far and accidentally slams her head into the subway wall killing her instantly and is lynched by horny teens every where.

He listens to Navjot Sidhu and Bishen Bedi for 20 minutes and his head explodes.

He gets caught in a lift with Sunil Gavaskar whom rages about how all Australian’s are @ssholes for 2 minutes and his adam's apple inverts and chokes him from within.

He gets given an English passport.

Playgirl magazine offer him a billion dollars to do a naked centrefold. Indians are outraged, as his Adam’s apple is air brushed out.

Tania Zaetta meets him in a bar, and they have a torrid lust affair in which Ishant falls madly in love with her and follows her to Sydney and lives out his days as Mr Zaetta.

He shaves for the first time, but being that he is so awkward he accidentally cuts his own throat and kills himself.

Inspired by his love of Jason Gillespie he grows a ponytail and starts breaking down.

Bored with cricket, women and millions of dollars he starts practicing Auto Erotic Asphyxiation. His first time ends in heart break (insert Adam’s apple joke here).

He remembers he is Indian and starts bowling left arm orthodox or straight breaks.

The Indian government give him Bangladesh as payment for being so good, which starts a war with Pakistan, which results on America bombing the whole region, Ishant dies whilst tying to save a whole village of cricket academy students whose rich parents couldn’t make it in time.

Me and Andre take over the world and we abduct him from India and make him play for Jrodre, the new world super power.

Pakistan get bored and fire nuclear missiles at India, thus ending his career, and the lives of countless others. Sunil Gavaskar survives.

He is raped and killed by a pack of super monkeys who are trained and controlled by Navjot Sidhu.

Everyone in India tells him he is gods gift to fast bowling until he becomes Shoaib Ahktar.

He joins the circus.

(Jarrod Kimber can also be found on www.cricketwithballs.com. Click here to know more about him)

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