(The Diary, like Holdingwilley itself, is a place for cricket
students around the world to rave, rant, cry, question, wonder aloud,
shout - do whatever the cricket brings out in them. Some
of the pieces appearing here can look scandalous, but they are strictly
in the lighter vein (despite the oxymoron) and the writers mean no
malice - or so we think.
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There is a reason people love spinners, fast bowlers and aggressive batsmen. It’s because medium pacers, conservative batsmen and most wicket keepers are really boring.
Fast bowlers have anger management issues and aggressive batsmen often suffer from adhd.
Spinners are clearly from a different planet.
Take a look at my favourite interplanetary spinners of the last few years.
I always assumed Pat Symcox couldn’t be South African, sure he looks like one and sounds like one and while I’ve never smelt him, he probably smells like one. However his bowling and the fact he has a sense of humour are two strong indications that he is not South African. I once saw him try and bowl Michael Bevan around his legs, I thought it was insane, until it worked. From a loud and inhospitable planet.
Shane Warne must be from a different planet, one where baked beans and Hawaiian pizzas are the norm. Do I really have to give you reasons why Warney is not from here? His planet has a large collection of statuesque women, who are loose on the morals.
Little Monty Panesar, he is the spinner England had to have. In the one press conference he can sound like a genius and then the sort of guy who tie his own shoelaces. Looks too gentle to play cricket. He comes from a planet where nerds are in control and Daniel Vettori is king.
Bishen Bedi probably has his own solar system, although would like the pitches on mars. I can only imagine what they do to fast bowlers there, it wouldn’t be pretty.
Greg Matthews comes from a planet with many moons. On his planet they have the ability to regrow hair. They also have the ability to talk about themselves ad nausea until your hair falls out. Dean Jones is only a part time spinner, but he is still a resident there.
Phillip Tufnel comes from an extremely green planet. There is a pub on every corner, and a fag in everybodies mouth (bedi’s solar system has something similar). Unlike the other planets, cricket is not played that often on Tuffers planet, no one can be bothered.
Paul Adams well, Paul Adams, his um planet is inhabited by freaks, they all have abnormalities. Some say Murali is from there too.
Stuart MacGill comes from a private planet, only the intellectual elite are allowed in. You and I could never come from Stuart’s planet, and if we visited it, we’d be bored shitless anyway.
Ashley Giles is actually from the future not an alien. He is a human replicant, and Harrison ford is currently hunting him down.
(Jarrod
Kimber, (Uncle J Rod to you) was born in a cricket family of fast
bowlers, tail enders and bat throwers. So he became a leg spinning
opening batsmen who enjoyed sledging. After the odd run in with
selectors (damn muppets) he decided to hang up his boots, sit on his
couch and fire up his laptop. He takes cricket as serious as cancer.
When not here he can be found at www.cricketwithballs.com, offending South Africans and calling Tony Grieg a pervert.)
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